So you wanna be me?

Like Mac's pork skins for dinner?
YES?  Move to the next question.  
NO? WTHN?


Like men with blue/green eyes?
YES? Then you know my HusBob.
NO?  Still looking for one of your own.  Kewl with that.

Like bacon in your adult beverages?
YES? You're bold like me - try anything once and if it makes you throw up - even better - you've got a big set of balls! 
NO? Get to the back of the line!!!  

Like dreadlocks or Redlocks like mine?
YES?  It's called Get Up and Go Hair.  
NO?  Oh you must have a cute hairdo that you can't part with.  Kewl with that too.

Plus sized apparel?
YES? 80% of Americans are REAL SIZED - not cuz of what we eat - it's the genes we were given at birth.
If you're African American/Blackfoot Indian like me then you wear plus size to contain the LUSCIOUSNESS of one heritage and the BEAUTY of another.  Yeah, I rock both those worlds. 
NO? WTH - WTBD? OMG? You must be a super model or striving to be....to each his own I imagine.

Marry outside your race?
YES?  Good for you - color is only for stop lights, rainbows and those taught to dislike another nationality.
NO?  Sorry for you - you're missing the essence of life.  Besides we all bleed the same color blood so what's the difference?  I didn't say marry outside your species, that's just sick!!


Like children?
YES?  With me, they are my passion.
NO? Therapy can help. Seriously - to each his own...that puts you out of the running as a babysitter for me.


Like to answer more questions?
YES. Okay. More for you later.
NO. Okay - buh-bye.

If

If I were a rich man, it only means I've had a sex change.

If I'm in a scandal, that means my left sandal fell off and I scraped my foot.

If loving you is wrong, where the hell is that exit sign?

If Mountain Oysters are a delicacy, what are the Blue Beauties concealed in a man's jeans considered?

If you could rename a popular name brand item, what would it be?
 I choose Endust and rename it Endless Dusting.

                                 One serious "IF"
If I could save time in a bottle, I would relive the magic of our son Aelias at the age of three months forever. That toothless, gummy grin of his stole my heart.

CAN'T BUY ME LOVE...

CAN'T BUY ME LOVE...

...or a cup of COFFEE at these prices.
Are ya kiddin' me? $9.89 for a large container of Folgers at the Super-Stoopid Market? Sorry but ya lost me Wal-Mart, and Krogers should give me a discount just for walking in their store.  Tom Thumb needs to get their thumb outta their backside and the Dollar Stores can't afford the small let alone large containers. Come on fellas, it already costs me half a tank of gas to get to your sliding doors! Give a Sista and my fellow coffee addicts a break why don't cha. 

The aroma (best part of waking up...),the anticipation of slowly engulfing the deep brown cup of steaming, morning stimuli. Thoroughly knowing you are ADDICTED. Hook - line and sinker. Every addiction has a price.   Raise the price thirty cents here, ten cents there.  Still within reach. Two years ago $4.50 was reasonable. This past January $6.89 made me rework the budget. But on Thursday the cost was $9.89 -  it's getting harder to part with a ten spot. Who would have thought coffee would be competing with Silver Salmon sauteed in truffle oil? 


But I'm not going through lacavation, losing my mind if I don't have my Folgers, five scoops per pot - yep, that's the only thing I like dark. And I take my beloved with me on vacations. I dare not suffer caffeine headache withdrawals at coastal latitudes. I can be a biotch all by my lonesome but become Super Biotch ten fold for hours without the black gold coursing through my veins.


I-Hop and Cafe Brazil are the only other places I drink coffee but it's always three or four cups to get that ethereal feeling. I find myself driving by coffee shops just to get a whiff of that black gold.  I had to force myself not to go in Escape (an Allen Coffee House) the other day for a Java Chip Frap. Missed my morning cup cuz I didn't release my bed sheets til early afternoon. Circled the block and gave in to my addiction...cost -  $4.14.  Isn't that a Happy Meal, a few chicken wings, a gallon of gas or a cheap pack of smokes? Do I really need caffeine that bad?  Yeah.


 What cha gonna do to make the most out of the expensive granules?  Start using coffee in your cooking - at least you feel like your hard earned dollars are going further by giving you a healthy jolt at suppertime. 

Here are a few money wasting recipes I tried and tossed.
***Coffee-Infused Southern Style Pulled Pork (1 cup brewed)
Kept wanting a cigarette with each bite.

***Swedish Meatballs with Egg Noodles (1/2 cup of brewed coffee mixed with other stuff). Now why would you mess up an already decent meal. Tasted like a hot mess, couldn't find my tongue scraper fast enough. 
***Coffee Pork Chops - just drink the wine, save the coffee as an espresso after dinner drink.

***Banana Sour Cream Coffee Cake - now that's just wrong. And time consuming - smelled good but couldn't get over sour cream in my coffee.

With the high cost of my coffee and the hit and miss recipes, I'm sticking to straight coffee.  If the price of coffee hits $11.00 for the big can, I'm gonna move to Mexico and learn to love instant Nescafe. At least it will come with a view.

Bert at Tim and Jo's

 Bert, from Isla Mujeres is the adopted son/doll of dear friends Tim and Jo.  Bert married my adopted Troll Wheyda Minute back in 2006. This is the first family visit they have taken to see Bert's peeps.  I am so embarrassed.


Quoted from his Dad Tim during his second night at their house:

 oh,what a night last nite...bert borrowed my truck,said he was goin out to get cigs...5 hours later he shows up ....hammered....him and wheyda get in a HUGE blowout....cops called...spent 3 hours in the drunk tank....no charges filed....thank god...looks like a couch nite for my boy.

 

                Connecticut Jail Drunk Tank  #91475645                                                                                        

                                                                                      

all I wanna know is how'd he reach the gas pedal? 

Wieners

I like mine red
hot
and ready to split
Wrapped inside my soft bun
No lubricants to fluctuate the reality


Thought this post was gonna be about penises
How crude, you thought you really knew me!

Fake Lips

Don't tell me you and your Buds and Budettes haven't had lively discussions about fake lips.  

Have you/they never thought how unbecoming it is to be known as the adjective "ugly"?

Why do rich white women (Hollywood mostly) and that sad, sad, I was once a handsome man Mickey Rourke want to have full Negro Lips? Can't we have anything of our own, so to speak?  Yes, we sometimes like our hair straight  or processed like yours but that's after years of being called unbecoming names because our culture has a different grade of hair.  But we can wash out the chemicals to be ourselves again.  Hair, that's another Splatz...I digress...forgive...

 And why must we be subjected to look at those fish lips in magazines or the big screen?  

 Don't you know everyone is talking BAAAAD about that BAAAAD lip job you're proud of?  It's one thing if you came on the scene with fish lips - "Oh that new star has full lips!"  The stars we have come to know and love have become a totally different species after  "a little procedure".  Is that supposed to make it right that you announce on network TV that you enhanced the focal part of your face... "Oooo I had the top lip done, I had the bottom lip filled a smidge, Goodness me, I got carried away and had the full stick of bologna stuffed in my lips"...honestly...why don't they pay for the unfortunate children with cleft palates to have surgery or those with parts of their face missing? Is vanity the new religion?

Apparently all their mirrors are broken, or they have found happy mirrors to replace them.  Did they pay their shrinks, doctors, entourage and loved ones to tell them "you look lovely" (as they are shrieking with laughter or secretly wishing to also look like a Star Trek Character on the inside)?

Tommy aka Batman quoted it perfectly from the website TOPIX - - 

"Damn -You never mention publicly you admire a sista, but then you want her lips?!?"

True dat Tommy, true dat!

And you seriously would pay up to five grand to look like this?

 

  If you were not born with full lips, there are REASONS!  It's not your culture! You look terrible with them!  It wasn't in your family gene pool!  God didn't make a mistake when He created you so why would you go and ruin a heavenly piece of art?  God probably talks with the angels about that self made creation walking around who used to be Jessica Simpson, Nikki Cox, Lisa Rinna, Donnatella Versace, Daryl Hanna (why baby, why?), Melanie Griffith and oh Lord, Jocelyn Wildenstein who by the way has spent over $4 Million and she still looks like hell!


Somewhere out there a few got it right - Courteney Cox...about the only one I can think of now.  Shame ain't it?


Before they go under the needle, are they asked "Please consider what you would look like in the future and please think about how far are you willing to go".  Natural or full blown fatuous? To which some thought the doctor said Fabulous.  Fatuous simply means STUPID.


Tattoos can be removed, fade, shrivel and droop with age.  What do fake lips do? 


Honestly, you couldn't pay me enough to go around looking like I have uncooked worms for lips for the rest of my days.


Was gonna have fish for dinner tonight.  Think I'll have Chicken Soup instead.